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Meh *shrugs* [16 Aug 2006|09:08am] You know a way to get a screaming pain sound without actually killing a living creature? Pushing eggs (cooking) down against the pan with the flipper. *Shrugs* random saying really...I've just noticed that everytime I've done eggs in the frying pan. I feel somewhat..broken. Now before you roll your eyes saying "here goes another drama emo story", well, one: This is my blog, it's meant for rants, so it's MY story, and two: that's not the point of the story. I feel broken, because I don't feel whole. This mind up here feels like it's split in two all the time, just like the two little creatuers on your shoulder called concience and the devil. It's not exactly like that per say...but close. I feel, for example, like a werewolf. They're part human, but part wild animal, and they contradict themselves all the time too. I'm not exactly a wolf though, but just a similar idea. Aaandd I have no idea where I'm going with this. Just a trail of thought passing by my mind I guess. I sorta forgot what I was all going to say this morning before work, so I don't think I can finish this blog. Maybe it just needed an update, I don't know. Better get going though, I pray that bitch of a supervisor isn't there today. 02 & ADD?

July 8th, Updateness (can't think of a better title) [08 Jul 2006|10:23am] Whoot! I didn't wait for a whole year to actually type in this thing!! XD;; hehe...yyeesss...I'm that lazy ne? But yes! It's around 10:30 in the moring now ^^;; and I'm jsut waiting for my Liebe to get on..yeah..*blushes* this past year I found someone special -^^- I'm so happy I did..but I won't say any more info on here until I figure out what this friend's only thing is...becuase it's personal and I'd rather only friends know about it. Oh! I doubt anyone reads this, but I'll say it anyway- I got a part time job! WHOOT! Finally...after months of searching, I got it at the end of June (after exams thankfuly, which I passed and had nothign more to worry about ^0^ Though I wish I could have gotten my Mark back up at 97 instead of 92...boo ><). I'm a cashier at Extra Foods (grocery store), and so far it's been awesome ^_^ There store isn't TOO big, the other cashiers are nice and help me out if I get into trouble (which thankfuly isn't often; though yesturday I by accident somehow got the change to get to $2006000 dollars!!! @_@;; Eep! What problem HAVEN'T I done?? XD *laughs*). They also don't get annoyed with me either, which is good too ^^ I haven't gotten yelled at by customers or the employer, sssoooo that must mean I'm on the right track! Stupid codes for all the produce though....>__< Oh well, thank goodness for the stickers! A Call-out for whoever does those, thank yoU!! ^0^ *clapclap* I'm getting faster and the codes are a big easier to remember now, though I still have to look up some stuff often..oh well, comes with time as everyone says ^_^ Wow! I can't believe I ranted all thsi time! No Emo stuff in the whole thing either!! >w< *giggles* I guess that means I'm in a good mood or something ^___^ Finally! Llliiieebbee where are yyyyyooooouuu~? *giggles and skips about to find* I guess that'll be all for now, Drawing isn't going that well, but I'll try and get some stuff soon. TOODLES EVERYONE!! I LOOOVVEEE YYOOOUUUU!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Shoutouts to: ~Drea!!! >w< I hope your traveling is going well, even if you might not know of this account!!! ^^; Loves you! Hope to chat agian, and that you're in Ohio and stuff ^_^ ~Lamont!!! *tackles and huggles* Hello my outer self >} *grins* I hope you haven't forgotten your inner Pervert now! Ehehehehehe >D (even though we sorta talked yesturday X3 hehe. Hope the babysitting goes well!! ~ Asidian!!! *giggles* I finally added you, hope my page doesn't scare you!! T_T I don't know how to change it....so....sadly it's stuck on this pink!! >< *shudders and wiggles* THE HORROR!! Anyways, I want Japan piccys sssoooonnn!! *giggles* ppwweeaaasseeee? *gives the big Dew eyes of cuteness* (god, don't tell Naomi I said that @_@) I hope you're doing alright, I hope I get your address soon so I can mail you a welcome to teh enw home whereever you aarree ^__^ ~Naoooommmiiii!!! (even though I don't even know you read this @_@;;) I hope you get on ssooonnn I miss yoooouuuuu ;.; *weeps* I WANT HUGS AND SMOOCHES! TT;; please? I lloovveee yyyooouuu!!! <3 <3 <3 Ich Liebe Dich, Guten Morgen!! ^w^ ~Eerrmmm....to....*blinks*..I'm missing people, I know it ._.;; Oh! RRRRIIIII-CCCCHHHAAANNN!!! I doubt you knwo this account exists, bbuuutt I'm shouting out to your LJ nonetheless becuase I hope you had a good vacation and that we can all get together soon and that you get as many hats as you can done!! *pantpant*...Run-on sentence anyone? *laughs* This journal is brought to you by: -My Liebe -Yougurt Pops (make them myself X3) -Legolas blanket -My Chubby Cute Furrball Rozie -My Half Goat/Half Monkey Dog Jazz -Everin -The Rude Crude Prude Dude:...NOCAH! XD -Kisses & Hearts -To the copy I WILL buy soon of "My Cat Loki" (by Bettina M. Kurkoski *drools*..I want!! ;.;)& "Mark of the Succubus" vol. 2 (my Beanclam and Asidian) -aaanndd....YOUR NOSES AND SUGAR!! *steals them both* 01 & ADD?

Umm..not too mucho ^^;; [04 Jun 2006|11:05am] Nar, yes >>;; NOthing much hear, final got a new password, hopefuly I can remember it X_x I REALLY Don't know how to fix the page this is on, the background in such....I'm so clueless with HTML T_T So un;ess someone helps me figure it out, it's staying like this XD;;; yyeeeaahhh *coughs* Neaways, I dunno what to say, I barely use this account much...maybe I should o.o hmm..might be a thought.. when I start to use it I'll probably get lazy again XP BAH! *flails* So yes..I'm not...dead....er...well, not really ^^; 02 & ADD?

Blergh...again [18 Jan 2005|06:02pm] Yeah, been a while. I was actually at a small extent happy about everything for a while...wait...that was only online with friends, really. And when RPGing....other then that its been crappy. I don't care if you think I should be grateful for my life and otherwise, thast not what this blog is for, I'm writting without guilt here. If you don't like it, I don't knwo why you're reading this in teh frist place. So yeah...probably a lot to say. Mostly jsut my gabbling, and etc, and my depression mood, but I don't care. I'll babble, since I don't get to do that a lot (myself stops me). So..lets see...why I and feeling down. I feel sick rigth now, everytime my dad makes Stir Fry with leftover meat and etc, even jsut smelling it makes me feel sick. When I smell it, I can tsate it agian, and when I do, it makes me feel...blegh... plus I got the shivers, I dunno, my house is cold fro some reason now a days...its winter here, I guess. But I don;'t think we have teh heat on too much. My rooms the coldest in the house too, so yeah. Hum...I guess what I'm feeling is what we learnt in health class called "stress". I feel depressed, and have not really any way to express it to people. Why? Because my bastard bitch of a self won't let me, always feels guilty about everything, and how I know my life is grand compared what otehrs go through, and should sotp complaining. But I'm sorry, even though my lfie seems perfect, its not. I have big emotional issues, am over sensitive about everything, and think always bad thoughts. Thats what you get for not really having a social childhood, and always being lonely. There, I said it, something form my past memories, I was very lonely. Not that I don't mind at times, but it sort of nags at you a lot. My grades had dropped, and are probably descending lower as I type this. My science used to be 84%, now its down to 75% and might go lwoer, depends on how my exam goes. French 69%, art 89%, which is a bumer, because I want to at least have art in teh 80's, btu thast not likely to happen. I promised myself that I would never become a slacker, that I would always get my homework done (at least most of it or as much as possible) and do well enough to graduate. But now look at me, I am slacking off, ignoring everything, and then it piles up. If my aprents find out, computer won't be allowed here, not even for homework, and I'll be isolated in my room agian, because I can;t stand anywhere else. I get depressed a lot mroe now, becaus eon a certain site- no, a lot of sites, it seems as if my posts or anythign don;t matter anymore, that I'm not worth peoples time to look at. Plus parents are always spazing at me, saying I have an attitude, and getitng pissy. They don't understnad what I feel, and I don;t want to talk to them, because now I cna;t stnad my family. I get the shivers when my dad jsut puts a hand on my shoulder, nevermind when he on occasion hugs me. I feel detached now, I don't knwo where I belong anymore... This is selfish, btu this is what I'm feelign right now. Its nice whgen peopel notice you for something, right? Its nice for a person to ask you when yuor feeling down, when they see the hints, and then ask to help you. Feels great hum, when things liek that happen. I though usualy my friends do, but they don't unkless I tell then right to their faces, or in a phrase, or something. I don't care if this seems untrue, I'm saying what my feeligns are right now and my points of view. Some online friends that I thought were clsoe aren;t really talking to me, its as if I am a bother to them now, not important enough jsut for a short chat anymore. Sure they have livs, but why go on a chat line if you don;t want to chat? Sorry, but when I ask a question to them, and they ignore it....it hurts. This si suposed to amke me feel better...I geuss it is, in a way. I'm finaly saying everything thast bugging me, since some peopel want to know I guess. I never finished my christmas mail project. I wanted to sen peopel a handdrawn pic, but I never completed my task. I still have a bunch mroe to do....and even though people say do it for fun, don;t force yourself...I feel liek I'm obligated to. If its a Birthday to someone, that I chat on a small occasion, I feel obligated to do something, or it bites at me until I get my asss in gear and do it. SO yeah, thast why art is stressing me out, even though its fun...on occasion its a burden, and I don;t want it to be. The comic I was going to start....how I want to, but that will jsut make my life more complicated, and I'll get even mroe breakdowns tehn I do now. Yes, even though I barely say when I do, I get breakdowns a lot. Even right now I just want to curl up and cry, though I don;t know any reason now, I jsut am down, most likely for teh above and will be below, but still. A guy at the comic club keeps nagign at me. I knwo how much he wants the comic to start, but still, why do I get his spaz form last thursday? I'm not the only person in teh club damnit! Why dion't I see you nagging at teh otehrs to come, to start something? Eve though I wish for spotlight (everybody does), the spotlight and me don;t work well at all. We don;t mix. But then agian...I away shrink away when people yell....I am weak minded. Yep, I suck when it comes to arguments, and when it comes to everything and bog choices. If I'm but on teh stop, I get nervous and can;t think, and nearly lose it. I freeze and don't knwo what to say, and that adds more issues in my brain to pound on it. I guess it wemans I am a follower, though I usualy don;'t want to be. I really liek helping people when their down, expecially my clsoe friends, becuase I want them to be happy. If I could,I would wish no crappy stuff went on in their lives, or past lives. But I can't, and I'm soryr if I leave you feelign crappy, I don't want to,but I don't ahve any idea to make you feel better. This si somethine I want my friends to read....Its something I'm going to put in a will I'll someday write when I can: If I were to leave too soon, if I left befoer it was my time to die, and leave my friends stranded, I would ask god, for my last wish, to be a guardian angel for all of them (if I went to heaven). Even if my soul would be ripped apart to get to everyone, I would. Because without you guys, the thigns I find most precious to me I hope I won;'t ever lose, life isn;t worht really living through. Thast one thing I would do so you guys and live yoru own dreams, because I might not be able to. It sounds corny and stupid, and other thigns, but its true. This si something I would want to do, and I don't care if some don;'t belive me. I am over sensitive, remember? I get liek thism, because I care for you guys that much, and hate when you put yoruselves down or suffer. A friend of mien asked what my fear was today...I didn;'t want to answer then. But it went through my mind, and this is one of the things: If a close friend died or killed theirself. If they stopped being friends with me. Yep, those are one of my big fear factors, amongst other things. Urgh...getting depressed makes me always think of other people, always guilty, no matter what. I'm feelign guilty rigth now...and urgh....brain dead.... Soryr for teh logn rant (see? alwasy there) and now you guys know somethign about me. There you go, you knwo why I don't talk about my past, or when I'm down, ebcause it either turtns ugly or tables turn around, and its never about me anymore, or about teh reason I was depressed. Plus, my childhood wasn;t crappy in the way you think, it was crappy because I had only one friend, a guy, and thast it really. It was lonely, and self estemem was a big issue. Plus now that I look back, I ahte myself, because I see I was a spoiled brat, and I hate msyelf now. I hate myself and always will, even with otehrs saying differently. I have being able to have had a good life, because most of my firends didn;t. It hurts, because I can;t think usualy of how to say thigns back, because I never experienced anything liek them. I tell most: I was a isolated child, and I was. I lived in my own world, and didn;t have to think much of crap like others have or had to. It hurt...urgh,...got interupted. Bronze Medsallino now is added to my list, with piano. for piano I have two exams this year -yet again!- urgh,..I jsut finished doing two last year, in june and may, can;t you give me a break for once??? I want to learn something fun, and not have mroe stuff piled ionto it! Even though ti will make my resume (which I still need to do again, crap...)and such, and good for later with stuff, I still get frustrated. Brinze medallion now has lots of memorizing, and thast jsut so helping me now. Need to learn a bunch of stuff my thrusday, when I have my science weather unit teast rigth teh next day,. Oh joy! oibnce agian, Bronze start for my own benefit...my ass...urgh... *sighs* I better stop now. There are probably a muikllion of other thigns I can rant about, but I won't. I'm tired, and I think you've all heard enough (there it is again). Sorry if this hurts you (and again), this si how I;'m feeling right now, and how sometimes I do when I say I;m okay. Sometiems..I'm really not. But I won't burden you further. To my friends who read this: <3 love you all, jsut trying to work things out. 02 & ADD?

Don't even ask me [04 Nov 2004|05:15pm] I'm not made of porcelin, You can't dress me up like I'm your doll I have a life of my own, I breathe, I think, I see. You can't control my actions You've made my smile dissapear My feelings are now enclosed, its too late you lost your chance I no longer confide in you To me, you are only trying to make me miserable And to bring me down once more You're too caught up with yoruself To take the time to see my face What do you see? It depends Because its easy to pretend Many ask the question They think would be helpful But do they mean it? I doubt it Just want to clear their concience Eyes are sad as they reveal little As I see friends smile and laugh Where has mine gone? I have no clue It was taken from me Alone, no one left here To at least give me a warming embrace I walk along in the cold wind into the dark distance that awaits me Don't even ask...came out of my head. Don't know why I'm sad, or depressed. *shrugs* things I don't want to say, but in a way it says in the poem. I fyou can figure it out, you get fudge. But still, if you still don't understand why, then there's nothign to discuss then. 03 & ADD?

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